by Jars of Clay
Verse 1
I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
It really is a war inside. I want to be completely abandoned to God; dependent on Him and at the same time...I want to do things my way. I want to be compassionate and truly love others and I yet I struggle and fail to even love my family right sometimes. I want to give and serve more but I struggle with selfishness. I want to use my gifts to glorify God and there are times when my heart fails and I struggle not to do it for my own gain. Two hands. It's so frustrating sometimes. It's a war between what you feel in your failing heart and what you know to be true in your spirit. They definitely don't align with one another most of the time.
I had a little old lady name Oleen hold my hand after church one day and say, "You are so sweet. You have a sweet sweet spirit." I looked at her and laughed and said, "Oh...you just don't know me that well." I chuckled...but I know inside, I felt I really didn't deserve her comment. She doesn't know how selfish I am or how I mess up everyday of my life in some fashion. It was the reaction in my head while I smiled to her face. She held my hand tighter and pulled me down so she could speak clearly to me and said, "You listen here, I know you have a sweet spirit because you know the Lord. I can tell. We all have faults and we struggle, but I know you love Him. I can tell you spend time with Him." I was kinda well...very shocked. Honestly, I had kinda passed this little old lady off as just...a little old lonely lady that wanted me to give her a hug every time she saw me. But she spoke with a kind of authority that reminded me of my Mamaw. When she said it, she meant it. I'm thankful for her and it made me miss my Mamaw. We have failing hearts...flesh that conflicts with our spirit. I know I often cry out to God and ask Him to please help me make the right choices when I'm dealing with the flesh that rises up.
Really don't know the moral of this blog. I guess...I have to believe what I know. God is patient, kind, merciful, gracious, and He understands me better than I understand myself. He accepts me with all my insecurities and faults and loves me enough to transform me into His likeness if I submit. I do love the Lord...and as much as I love Him...He deserves so much more. The fact that He loves me, keeps me. It always has. Even through times in my life that I've run full force in the opposite direction of where I thought He was.
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
Chorus
If I had two hands
Doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
(repeat)
Verse 2
I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
Bridge
And if we just keep digging
We can reach the foundation Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting
All the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control
And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up
And you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
_______________________________________
I have always been impressed with Jars of Clay's lyrics. This particular song isn't the best song I've ever heard them sing but it just so happened that I was praying about this very thing when it came on the radio. Another older song that has a verse reminding me of this is Come Thou Fount. I love ancient hymns.
I have always been impressed with Jars of Clay's lyrics. This particular song isn't the best song I've ever heard them sing but it just so happened that I was praying about this very thing when it came on the radio. Another older song that has a verse reminding me of this is Come Thou Fount. I love ancient hymns.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above.It really is a war inside. I want to be completely abandoned to God; dependent on Him and at the same time...I want to do things my way. I want to be compassionate and truly love others and I yet I struggle and fail to even love my family right sometimes. I want to give and serve more but I struggle with selfishness. I want to use my gifts to glorify God and there are times when my heart fails and I struggle not to do it for my own gain. Two hands. It's so frustrating sometimes. It's a war between what you feel in your failing heart and what you know to be true in your spirit. They definitely don't align with one another most of the time.
I had a little old lady name Oleen hold my hand after church one day and say, "You are so sweet. You have a sweet sweet spirit." I looked at her and laughed and said, "Oh...you just don't know me that well." I chuckled...but I know inside, I felt I really didn't deserve her comment. She doesn't know how selfish I am or how I mess up everyday of my life in some fashion. It was the reaction in my head while I smiled to her face. She held my hand tighter and pulled me down so she could speak clearly to me and said, "You listen here, I know you have a sweet spirit because you know the Lord. I can tell. We all have faults and we struggle, but I know you love Him. I can tell you spend time with Him." I was kinda well...very shocked. Honestly, I had kinda passed this little old lady off as just...a little old lonely lady that wanted me to give her a hug every time she saw me. But she spoke with a kind of authority that reminded me of my Mamaw. When she said it, she meant it. I'm thankful for her and it made me miss my Mamaw. We have failing hearts...flesh that conflicts with our spirit. I know I often cry out to God and ask Him to please help me make the right choices when I'm dealing with the flesh that rises up.
Really don't know the moral of this blog. I guess...I have to believe what I know. God is patient, kind, merciful, gracious, and He understands me better than I understand myself. He accepts me with all my insecurities and faults and loves me enough to transform me into His likeness if I submit. I do love the Lord...and as much as I love Him...He deserves so much more. The fact that He loves me, keeps me. It always has. Even through times in my life that I've run full force in the opposite direction of where I thought He was.
Like the song...I pull Him close...and push Him away...but through it all...He's never left or forsaken me. He is not double minded or conflicted about His devotion to His children. He is ever faithful and steadfast in His love. What an awesome God!
