I did a Beth Moore bible study workbook on When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. It was awesome. It wasn't just for those who find themselves veering off the narrow path into a pit. It's for those who've been through it, who know of people going through it, or for those who want to learn more about it so they can recognize it before they fall in the pit. I definitely learned a lot of things through scripture and through Beth's testimony.
That study lasted several weeks and in one part talked about David's prayer to God about revealing hidden sins he doesn't do intentionally and keeping him from willingly sinning out of rebellion.
Psalms 19: 12-13
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
Even before that, I had been praying during my morning prayers that God would reveal anything in my life that needed to be brought to light...any hidden sin that I'm not seeing. Some tendencies we have, we don't even notice as prideful or selfish.
This morning I was praying that same prayer. Search me. Know me God. Refine me. Those aren't easy prayers to pray because I know what happens when you pray them. I understand the answer to that prayer every time I pray it. I hesitate every time I pray it, to be sure I'm not just praying out of habit. I hesitate to pray it because I don't want to go through the process it requires. At the same time, I don't want to be the same person who reacts to my insecurities or holds on to my pride.
Today during work, something came to mind out of the blue. It was definitely God answering my prayer. And there it was, rising to the top...from my unrefined...heart. It wasn't pretty. A big huge chunk of ugly pride and selfishness. I hadn't even recognized it. It has always just been a tendency. My suck it up attitude. My lack of compassion. My lack of mercy at times. I can't believe I hadn't seen it for what it was. Sounds like something minor enough, but it isn't. If anything, God should shine through in the smallest things we do. I was so sad to know that my pet tendency had been nurtured more than the people I love. I can think of reasons why I felt my lack of compassion. Doesn't matter. It has to go. Gotta turn my back on it. And it's not in my nature to be what I should be...but I know God gives grace...and He is strong when we are weak.
This sounds ridiculous when I type it out. But I'm really serious about my relationship with Christ. This whole thing about Christianity and what sets us apart from any other religion is love. If we are crippled in our love and compassion for others then we lack in our love for God. We can't love Him with every aspect of who we are if we don't love one another...even our enemies. Rob Bell put it beautifully, "May we come to see that the way we love others IS the way we love God." Selfishness...pride...they aren't just tendencies. They are enemies of love. We come by pride naturally. We come to love by resisting our pride, submitting to Christ, and allowing Him to refine us which is not easy. He's worth it.
